My (29F) ex (29M) ghosted me after I lost my mom and brother and to get over them. He’s making me think I’m the one who is crazy

I (29F) dated my ex (29M) for about 3 years. Within those 3 years my mom passed away and then most recently my younger brother passed away. A year into the relationship my mom passed away and my ex got sent out of state for work so we dated long distance. I would visit him for a week or two at a time, all while grieving my mom. After about a month he expected me to be over it, he never would communicate things with me and if I tried talking about anything serious he’d start yelling or deflect and change the subject. This would drive me crazy because I would never have closure on anything. I could never get a straight forward answer to an issue we were discussing. Due to this I’d ask the same questions every few weeks/months and he’d yell and say I’m nagging him or he’d tell me what I wanted to hear to shut me up and then when the time came would tell me he said it to make me stop. Every single time he came home he wanted to go out to clubs and then hangout in someone’s trash kitchen until 6AM after the bars, if I asked if we could ever just do something he’d get mad and say that he’s home and he never is so we have to do what he wants. When we’d go out he’d get beyond blacked out and I’d be stuck taking care of him, his friends had no idea how he got once home. He’s 6’4” and would crawl under his bed, he’d start dumping dish soap in his mouth, talking to me like garbage and the list goes on. The entire time I would be calm and just deal with it. He’d say I ruin his time and all of this but never would see what I have to put up with when he goes out. He’d get my hopes up to move in together. If he didn’t like how a call was going he’d just hang up on me. Any little thing not going his way he’d just get pissed and somehow it was my fault and “I make him like this”. He doesn’t know when to put a healthy boundary between his personal life and work so he’s always stressed from work and blames me why he’s crabby. He forced me to get an abortion where he was literally screaming at me that he’s not going to help and all this terrible stuff. He promised if I did get one that he’d get therapy(he never did). While still pregnant he would get mad while we were out because I didn’t feel good and felt lost because i had a partner who was the most unsupportive person ever and just wanted to go home. It was my fault i was pregnant and not his according to him. He made it seem like i was insane to his friends but they had no idea what he was putting me through. My brother then passed away, two days after he was trying to go out, he kept telling me to purposely stress me out that he doesn’t know if he can get work off for my brothers funeral. At my brothers funeral he got beyond wasted. He told me I need to get over my mom and brother dying and that it’s not his problem. On Mother’s Day he completely ignored me and when he talked to me he was beyond nasty. Fast forward to July he goes back to work in another state and for a week everything was fine until I woke up one morning and was blocked on absolutely everything with no explanation. This sent me into a spiral especially because I didn’t know what I did or what was going on. When I was able to get ahold of him he wouldn’t explain why I’m blocked. He’d just say the nastiest meanest things humanly possible. He then invited me to visit him in august for his birthday and was nice until my flight back home got cancelled. He told me to figure it out and blocked me again, no other flights were available and there were no rental cars available either so I was panicking in a state I didn’t live in. I ubered back to his place and he came back from work and slammed the door in my face and wouldn’t let me in. I finally had to get help from my dad for a possible hotel but i first needed to charge my phone. As soon as my dad texted him he let me in and acted as if he didn’t do anything. Also during this visit we RSVP’d to a wedding we were both invited to. When I got home he had me send him a package and once he got it he said I’m not going to the wedding and blocked me again. I went to HS with the bride and he went to college with the groom. I told him he doesn’t make that call. He asked me to bring a gift from both of us (I can’t make this up). I said of course, so I gave them a card with $200 and signed it just from me since he didn’t contribute anything. He still thinks he gave them a gift. But after that he got my hopes up to try again and once he left was nasty yet again. Most recently I saw him last week when he came home for the first time since September. I had to grab some stuff from his place and he was being super nice, he gave me Christmas gifts?, had me sleep over, said we can try dating again, did the usual and got my hopes up. Wednesday he said he was going out of state skiing. But I was shown on Friday that he was still at home and going out. I went to where he was and confronted him and he ran from the place and left me with no explanation. The following day he went t

I (29F) dated my ex (29M) for about 3 years. Within those 3 years my mom passed away and then most recently my younger brother passed away. A year into the relationship my mom passed away and my ex got sent out of state for work so we dated long distance. I would visit him for a week or two at a time, all while grieving my mom. After about a month he expected me to be over it, he never would communicate things with me and if I tried talking about anything serious he’d start yelling or deflect and change the subject. This would drive me crazy because I would never have closure on anything. I could never get a straight forward answer to an issue we were discussing. Due to this I’d ask the same questions every few weeks/months and he’d yell and say I’m nagging him or he’d tell me what I wanted to hear to shut me up and then when the time came would tell me he said it to make me stop. Every single time he came home he wanted to go out to clubs and then hangout in someone’s trash kitchen until 6AM after the bars, if I asked if we could ever just do something he’d get mad and say that he’s home and he never is so we have to do what he wants. When we’d go out he’d get beyond blacked out and I’d be stuck taking care of him, his friends had no idea how he got once home. He’s 6’4” and would crawl under his bed, he’d start dumping dish soap in his mouth, talking to me like garbage and the list goes on. The entire time I would be calm and just deal with it. He’d say I ruin his time and all of this but never would see what I have to put up with when he goes out. He’d get my hopes up to move in together. If he didn’t like how a call was going he’d just hang up on me. Any little thing not going his way he’d just get pissed and somehow it was my fault and “I make him like this”. He doesn’t know when to put a healthy boundary between his personal life and work so he’s always stressed from work and blames me why he’s crabby. He forced me to get an abortion where he was literally screaming at me that he’s not going to help and all this terrible stuff. He promised if I did get one that he’d get therapy(he never did). While still pregnant he would get mad while we were out because I didn’t feel good and felt lost because i had a partner who was the most unsupportive person ever and just wanted to go home. It was my fault i was pregnant and not his according to him. He made it seem like i was insane to his friends but they had no idea what he was putting me through. My brother then passed away, two days after he was trying to go out, he kept telling me to purposely stress me out that he doesn’t know if he can get work off for my brothers funeral. At my brothers funeral he got beyond wasted. He told me I need to get over my mom and brother dying and that it’s not his problem. On Mother’s Day he completely ignored me and when he talked to me he was beyond nasty. Fast forward to July he goes back to work in another state and for a week everything was fine until I woke up one morning and was blocked on absolutely everything with no explanation. This sent me into a spiral especially because I didn’t know what I did or what was going on. When I was able to get ahold of him he wouldn’t explain why I’m blocked. He’d just say the nastiest meanest things humanly possible. He then invited me to visit him in august for his birthday and was nice until my flight back home got cancelled. He told me to figure it out and blocked me again, no other flights were available and there were no rental cars available either so I was panicking in a state I didn’t live in. I ubered back to his place and he came back from work and slammed the door in my face and wouldn’t let me in. I finally had to get help from my dad for a possible hotel but i first needed to charge my phone. As soon as my dad texted him he let me in and acted as if he didn’t do anything. Also during this visit we RSVP’d to a wedding we were both invited to. When I got home he had me send him a package and once he got it he said I’m not going to the wedding and blocked me again. I went to HS with the bride and he went to college with the groom. I told him he doesn’t make that call. He asked me to bring a gift from both of us (I can’t make this up). I said of course, so I gave them a card with $200 and signed it just from me since he didn’t contribute anything. He still thinks he gave them a gift. But after that he got my hopes up to try again and once he left was nasty yet again. Most recently I saw him last week when he came home for the first time since September. I had to grab some stuff from his place and he was being super nice, he gave me Christmas gifts?, had me sleep over, said we can try dating again, did the usual and got my hopes up. Wednesday he said he was going out of state skiing. But I was shown on Friday that he was still at home and going out. I went to where he was and confronted him and he ran from the place and left me with no explanation. The following day he went to NY for NYE and I completely lost it. I was so hurt with him promising me all this stuff only to lie this extreme. He won’t give me an explanation why he’d get my hopes up and lie like this and not include me especially when he knows how terrible the holidays are for me. He’s telling me I’m a crazy psycho for finding him out. I told him idk what kind of response he expected when he lied like that, he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with what he did. He’s now just saying nasty mean things to me.

I KNOW I need to stop talking to him, I WANT TO but my head just isn’t letting me. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and they said due to the sudden loss of my mom and brother I have abandonment issues which is what my ex is triggering even though I know I shouldn’t think he’s a loss my body is responding to it like it is. He keeps knowingly getting my hopes up and breadcrumbing me.

Has anyone dealt with something similar to this and how did you deal with it? It feels impossible but how do I make myself stop caring about him? Normally I’d easily be able to just be done but with all the loss I’ve had I’m just broken. Sorry if this is confusing or doesn’t make any sense at points. TLDR: I’m in such a broken place how do I completely cut off my ex and stop caring? I know I need to but my head isn’t letting me due to traumas

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